Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
