I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
