when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
