On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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