All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
