just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
