You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
