So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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