hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
