Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize