just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
