youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
