4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
