I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
