Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
