Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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