There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize