So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
