I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Randomize
