i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
