Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
