ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize