You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
