Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
