We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
