the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
