Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Come on in and take your pants off
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