you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
