Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
