He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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