we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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