Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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