Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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