Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
