I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
