nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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