the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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