I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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