So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
