I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
