Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
