i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
