look no pants
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
