HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
