OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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