Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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