Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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