i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
