i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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