I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
