I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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