on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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