if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
