If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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