Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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