I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
