my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Randomize
